I’d like to share something very personal on Momma Bird Blog. Blogs aren’t meant to be used like journals, unless they help their readers gain perspective, community, or advice.
I’m thinking, that this might find some comfort for some of you. Some sort of similarity between us, that helps you feel understood and not alone.
Last year, alongside Covid and my husband being sent away (4 sperate times on military orders for problems in our Nation), we dealt with loss. In the midst of a pandemic, my birth control failed. We were excited, but knew the risk for pregnancy associated with IUD malfunction.
After positive pregnancy tests and morning sickness I had an ultrasound, IUD removal, blood work, and a second set of blood work. But I couldn’t shake the stabbing sensation in my abdomen, or all of the other clear signs that this was a miscarriage. I was still in shock, hearing it from my doctor.
We knew we had a decision to make relatively soon. Did we want to try again? And I thought back to the time we inquired about adoption. And I thought about the nudges from God within the last few years. I thought, “This is above me. It’s up to God’s will for us.” Still with grief in our hearts, we decided to try again, knowing this wouldn’t replace our baby in Heaven.
6 months of prenatal vitamins, following advice from a particular book, lots of testing LH and HCG, diet, and excercise. Nothing seemed to be working.
Just when I was losing hope, we had another positive pregnancy test. Then a week later the bleeding, then the back labor pains, and the negative tests. I couldn’t stop crying. I was just so sad. We had done almost everything right. I could except that we weren’t meant to have another child, but I knew I would never stop grieving our two babies that we never got to hold.
I know how that must sound to someone who’s never been able to have children, coming from me. I am thankful for our 3 healthy boys, I know I’m blessed. But I love ALL of my children, and it’s still difficult not having them all with me. And I still question every day, why my babies died inside of me.
1 in 4 of all pregnancies end in loss. It’s a sobering number. One statistic that makes you realize that many of the women you pass every day has lost a baby. And it’s not just silent grief we face, but blame.
This is just a reminder that if you’ve experienced miscarriage or still birth, you aren’t alone. You did nothing wrong and it’s okay to still grieve your angel baby.
And if you haven’t experienced pregnancy loss, there is nothing like it. So please don’t try to tell us about your own version of loss. Don’t ask if we’re sad or try to make us feel better. Definitely don’t say it’s for the better, or that it was meant to be. Know our hearts are broken and it cannot be fixed. Simply say “I’m sorry,” be with us silently, and let us cry.